Minty Fresh Natch Update!

Gum just might be the toughest sell of all time. Think about it, even as stupid as most people are, it can't be that easy to trick them into thinking their own spit is candy. Aside from being a great way to provide confidence to kids driving home drunk from bars, gum is a fairly useless confection Don't get me wrong, Hubba Bubba and Big League Chew will always have a special place in my heart, but thems is bubble gum, so cram it, Wrigley. The only way to market such a lame duck product is, of course, hotties!

Concluding our precedent-smashing two part series, this weeks commercial hottie is the Orbit Gum lady, aka Vanessa Branch.


Adding to her appeal is a charming English accent and hap-hap-happy outlook on life that puts a sparkle in our smiles and our hearts. But it gets even better... she almost got naked once!


Dirty mouth? I bet, hillbilly!

Yep. So I'm off to the store. Boko says "LOOKOUT!" because tomorrow brings a very special episode of the Jesus Petes. Don't worry, it's not about kids getting molested like that messed up very special "Diff'rent Strokes" episode, I promise.

Who loves ya, baby?

Mikey

We suck this week!

We really do. I've been drawing naked statues. Boko's been badgering witnesses. We have professional lives, you know. Hahahaha... ehhh, ha, ummmm? Ok, we're lazy.

Next week though, that's gonna be good stuff.

• new Meet the Petes! and NATCH
• the Official Jesus Petes! Presidential Candidate Endorsement (that's a capitalized mouthful, but it has to be... it's official!)
• Petes in Depth featuring Mikey, who really doesn't speak in the 3rd person
• MADLIBS!
• something about Halloween

Who knows, we might even do one of these tomorrow. If you're still sad/bored/crestfallen, even after all those great announcements, I suppose I could cheer you up by drinking beer with you this weekend.

You're buying.




And driving.

Coloring Contest Entries

It seems that Petesfans are like Bob Ross. They don't necessarily have much artistic ability, but they certainly are in their own little worlds. Thanks to all who entered, because nothing says flattery like pixelized scribbles. We love ya.

Entry 1: Bobby McSilverstein's snapshot of a typical Petes' show.


Entry 2: Natalie Gortman's rendition of her unrequitted crush Boko.


Entry 3: Joey J. Johnstone's picture of Judy, which looks a lot like a butt.


Entry 4: Corky Quiricio's drawing of, um, let's say a Muppet?


Entry 5: Bill Keane's (no relation to the Family Circus guy) take on our name.


Entry 6: Ric Ocasek's rendition of New Years Eve 2003. We had lots of fun!


Entry 7: Laruen Jones' shot of an early Petes' show, when we had a dinosaur instead of Braddad.

NEWSFLASH!

And surprisingly, the news is good. This site has been added to Yahoo!, and is now the #1 result for the search term "jesus petes." We'd like to thank all of you for making this possible. And our loving and supportive parents. And the Transformers, especially Jazz - you always believed in us! And maybe Jesus, if he lets me win the lottery.

AND... just a reminder to get those coloring contest pictures finished up and sent in. We'll put them up over the weekend and decide on a winner. E-mail your entries to endlessmike@neo.rr.com, or be forced to wonder what might have been for the rest of your life.

Hollywood, here we come!

The NATCH Update That Almost Wasn't

I've gotta be honest with you, I didn't think this one was going to happen. It took me an entire afternoon of watching two seasons of "Ed" tapes in fast forward, but one fried VCR and three epileptic seizures later, we have this week's TV Commercial Hottie.

Yes, it's the one and only Zyrtec "Get rid of Rufus!" girl, my all time personal favorite. Unfortunately, even with the commercial in hand, this woman is still a mystery. All we know is that she has allergies like Paul Pfeiffer, dresses to the nines to go to the park, and wouldn't think twice about kicking her dog to the curb in the name of nasal congestion relief. We couldn't ask for anything more in a woman. She lives in a world of black and white, but brings color to our lives.

Years (I'm being serious here, people) of internet sleuthing offered up no clues about this actress, which I'm beginning to think is a deliberate attempt to keep me from stalking her. All I could find were idiots wondering what kind of dog Rufus was. I don't think I want to live in a world where people come away from this ad thinking about Papillons over an attractive girl with the sniffles. Honestly, did we lose a war? (Don't answer that yet.) Actually, I think we did, because unfortunately this commercial doesn't air anymore - at least not during anything I watch (nothing but WE and Oxygen, baby!). PETA members must have not appreciated Miss Zyrtec's willingness to part with the doggie. Or perhaps it was her phrasing, which make it sound like Rufus was about to be offed by a guy named Vito, that ruffled a few feathers.

I know that one raggedy little picture isn't enough for this monumental of an occasion, so I put up a raggedy little video clip as a bonus, because I hear that this was a highly touted and anticipated update. Resurrecting tv commercials, that's how much I care! I'm sure our first class hosting will explode because of this, but such is life.

Oh, Boko thinks this is a herpe medication ad. Be sure to punch him next time you see him.

Love,
Mikey

Something for the Kids

I know what a lot of you are thinking. You might think we're not offering anything on this site except bad jokes and pictures of not-naked girls. Not true. You might think we're crazy, and all we want is you. Half true.

The truth is, we Jesus Petes have nearly 100 years of TV watching between us, so in theory, we've been watching TV since before it was invented. That sort of genius insight shouldn't be squandered. From now on, we'll periodically post up some worthless piece of crap that somehow managed to survive the herd-thinning effect of 6 years of constant beer. Think of it as a crash course on being a real Jesus Pete. Prepare for Ken-Jenningsification, and just wait for VH-1 to come a-knockin'.

LESSON 1: Murdoc was a Rock Star


That's right. Michael Des Barres, who played Murdoc - the not-so-deadly hitman and arch nemesis of MacGyver - was a crappy 80's rock star. Remember the band Power Station? Members of Duran Duran (not Simon!) and the recently dead Robert Palmer formed this not-so-super group because their former creative outlets were "not lame enough." All was good, they had a hit with "Some Like it Hot," which to this day makes me like it very, very cold. I don't even know what that means, that's how bad that song is.

Long story long, Robert Palmer left the group to form an army of evil twitching glamour clones and battle his addiction to love, and Murdoc was brought in to replace him. I wish I could say I got really drunk and made all this up, but it's the god damned truth. And yeah, that's Don Johnson down there.



We're not claiming this shit will end up getting you that raise you've been looking for. In fact, spouting this nonsense off will likely get you fired. But if you're in a bar that has those NTN trivia things, you can thank the Jesus Petes for your 1000 point score with a 16oz Molson.