HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

High atop his Mount Olympus ranch, the Nuge was relaxing in his trophy room/command center when his Pussy Bitch Alert went off. Evil Skeletor was trying to ruin the honor of Thanksgiving by way of a grass-roots campaign aimed at grade school kids.

"Not do fast, evil do-er, I, Ted Nugent, will defend the most American and awesome of holidays. To the Nuge-Mobile!" Although I must say, nice loin cloth, liberal blue skeleton man!"

The Nuge tore into the town square, clearly avoiding all continuity of last year's story being set in the kitchen. Skeletor threw the unwitting boy in the path of the Nuge-Mobile and fled the scene, middle finger saluting the Motor City Madman as he ran.

Skeletor jumped into his limited Bandit edition Trans-Am and pulled a rad smokey burnout, shouting "You'll never catch me now, hillbilly." He was right. The Nuge shouted in disgust, "Running over that badly drawn boy has fried my time circuits. Also, note to self, run over that queer Badly Drawn Boy.

When Joey came to The Nuge was ready. "Wango Tango, pussy! It is I, Ted Nugent. I am here to tell you the TRUE story of thanksgiving!" That new-wave skeleton man told you nothing but lies about this great holiday, it is my duty as a bad-ass American to put things right, and possibly shoot you.

"Okay Jesus, I am ready to learn!" said Joey.

Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate all that is good about our fine country. We're free to express our displeasure with anything. A great way to do this is with a Calvin-peeing-on-something sticker for your truck.

If something really pisses you off, you might even be able to get away with shooting it. Ever wonder why nobody plays the keytar anymore? You're welcome, pussy!

Of course, Thanksgiving is also a time to reflect on ways that we can become a better society. In my version, the ghost of Dale Earnhart wins every race, while that homo Jeff Gordon crashes in a flaming pile of gay.

Burt Reynolds would be Bandit, king, and pope. And to be honest, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I've been drinking since 1:30. So you see Joey, that's all that matters. Hunting and guns and booze. That's more than enough to be thankful for.

Hi everyone! It's me, former Ohio State kicker and scoring leader Mike Nugent. I just wanted to say that I'm in no way related to Ted Nugent, and that this horrible story does not reflect the opinions of me, this site, or it's sponsors. Way to live up to the sequel jinx, idiots.

Happy Thanksgiving!