Everything is gonna be... alright.

But of course, you know how the rest goes. They say we need a revolution.

No matter how this all went down on Tuesday, one thing was clear: half of the country was gonna be piss-ass-pissed off. No worries though! Like Hannibal, the great Carthaginian general who marched elephants across the Rocky Mountains to save B.A. Baracus, I have a plan! (A quick aside here, why did Mr. T have a Greek last name on the A-Team? Is that even Greek? I'm so tired!)

anyone out in the cold, the Confederates can grow corn, hate anything that's different from them, and pray for us. Everyone wins!

JESUS PETES SPECIAL REPORT

This message was just recieved by the Jesus Petes Newsroom on our direct feed line from heaven, and boy does the Big J look mad!

Mr. Christ of Nazareth says he's really getting tired of his "followers" making him look like a dick, sighting various examples.

In an exclusive interview with the Jesus Petes, the Savior claims that he's moving to the Bahamas to run a scuba diving charter to get away from it all. Way to go, Churchy, I hope we still get Christmas presents this year. Santa doesn't just cough up the goodies for boat captains' birthdays, you know. The jolly fat man has a business to run, after all, and elf healthcare doesn't come cheap.


That wraps up our post-election coverage. I won't be watching the news for several months, so we're turning the newsroom into a regulation size Nerf basketball court. We'll try to be drunk and funny next week.

Love,

The Captain Jesus Petes