Mitch Hedberg, way funnier than we are.

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellas... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

We don't die, we multiply!

Yes, it's true, we've been hanging out in a cave for a few days. Never fear though, because we're back, slightly invisible, and filled with powers from the great beyond... powers including but not limited to: half-assed Photochops and MS-Paint drawings. Happy Another Friendly Reminder that You're Definitely Going to Hell, Ya Bastards!

AND NOW!!!
Special Non-Easter-Related Fun Fact

Mr. Potato Head


Bobby Freaking Rahal

That is so uncanny, I'm going to go eat Caramellos till my face hurts.

Mike

Pretend this says something captivating and hilarious!

In honor of Kevin joining the Jesus Petes, we called up the Anonymous Painting Hand and had him fix the old family portrait. Sorry, Tina Yothers, your time has come. Look on the bright side, at least this time you aren't being replaced by Andy.

I know I know, the old sitcom trick of bringing in new kids always sucks. Just look at Sam on Diff'rent Strokes, Olivia on The Cosby Show, Chrissy (AND Luke) on Growing Pains, Cousin God Damn Oliver on The Brady Bunch... I could go on for hours. Actually, this will probably be a feature next week. Anyhow, the point is that I forget where this was going. In closing, Kevin is funny, and more Jesus Petes means more stuff that's good. That is some eloquent shit.

Who Ordered Room Service?

While we're all racking our brains trying to figure out Boko's fun riddle, I thought I'd offer up a little diversionary mystery in video form. It's sort of like the Clue movie, but starring a third rate Tony Shalhoub and second rate Tracy Gold, some yuking, and the Robin Hood soundtrack.

Who ordered room service?

I'll give you a hint, it wasn't


Ready for the finale, Lt. Columbo?

Bet you didn't see that one coming!

Sorry Darius Rucker, your 15 minutes are up yet again, we have a new most absoludicrous commercial ever!