See Ya's in Ought-5

NADAFINGA!

Sunsabiiiish... Bumpuses! Christmas has come and gone yet again. I hope that Baby Jesus brought you enough fun stuff to tide you over for a few days, because we're going on hiatus until next week. Har, yeah I know, we've been on hiatus for essentially two weeks. Pish-posh, suck it up, Nancy.

Don't fret, though, because Boko and I are still on V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N, and copious free time coupled with beer and Christmas monies is sure to mean fun times ahead here at Jesus Petes.

Congratulations to the Nuuge for just breaking the OSU scoring record.

Congrats also to Sister Harndino and Carl Oldieoldstein who are getting married this weekend.

Same to Judy and Jen, who will do likewise in February. Take that, Issue 1.

Ok, if I get really bored I'll do some kind of Year End Thingy, but don't count on it.

I'll see you when I see you, unless I see you when I see you.

Mike

Holy Crap

Hello all, the Ghost Of Mike Past here writing to wish you a happy day after Boxing Day. I found an old computer in the basement, and it almost works. The screen doesn't, though, so if this mskes no sense, it isn't because I'm drunk... at least not yet. Now onto official business!

This week is chock full of Jesus Petes activities. Contact your local fanclub affiliate for more info!

Alright, this computer sucks. I'm going to go play Axis and Allies by myself.

Christmas Countdown, December 18th/19th

Guess what!

• Trying to think of entertaining Christmas crap every day makes me hate Christmas.

• My computer needs to be sent off to the Island of Misfit toys because the flux capacitor is not fluxing

• Just about everyone else is on vacation now, too.

So, screeeeeew this! Go think up your own stupid stuff, because I'm gonna be busy wearing Cosby sweaters, drinking whiskey, and wishing a "Merry Christmas" to the old Building and Loan. And maybe sledding. I'll be back when this piece of crap comes back from Best Buy's fixin' place, probably in March.

Christmas Countdown, December 17th

Today's countdown update is a special crossover edition of my favorite new feature:

Judy's email to me:
This is a Christmas Emergency Bulletin... I cannot post this incredibly important blog, so I'm counting on you. Sure I'm drunk, but that's not the point. Jesus is the reason for the season, but everybody I know just drinks and tries to put big wheels together at 2 am on Christmas eve...

FYI.. You can buy this shit at Bueler's in Wadsvegas.

Stay sober, and quit touchin' your twobber.

Judy


Anyone that shows up at the party tonight with some of this stuff gets their birthday turned into a major holiday. Except Harndino, because his already is.

Christmas Countdown, December 16th

Jesus Petes Present:
The Three Wise Men Don't Save Christmas

Mr T: Where's that sucka foo Hannibal with our tree?
Santa: Now now, Mr. T, I'm sure he'll be here soon.
Mr T: I hope that honkey didn't wreck my van!
Burt Reynolds: Apetit!

Hannibal: Hey guys, I got the tree you asked for!
Santa: Hannibal, of all the Charlie Browns in the world... you're a God damned moron.

Hannibal: Mr. T, hold me!
Burt: Heh heh, A-Team. More like, uhhh...
Santa: Gay-Team?
Burt: Eh, I was thinking more like "Turd Fergusun!"

Santa: You know, Burt, this isn't such a bad little tree, it just needs some love.
Burt: Hahahahaha, that's what Sally Field said. Hahahahahaha. Seriously, this tree is a piece of crap. Lets go play Win Lose or Draw.

Santa: Christmas is ruined. Without a tree, we might as well just light our eight lame candles and call it ShabAHHHHRRGHHHHHHH!

Burt: Is he dead?
Hannibal: I don't know, Burt, nobody ever got hurt on my show. I only know what to do if he drank milk with a roofie in it.
Mr T: You mutha...

Later that day!

Hannibal: I'm the King of Christmas!
Bear: Dude, isn't that, like, Jesus?
Tree: Hey, do you guys have that Wham! Christmas song on cd or something?

Santa: ...so then this elf who wanted to be a dentist patched me up, and here I am.
Burt: Yeah, great. You know I used to bone Loni Anderson? Let's go to the Christmas party and get wasted.

All: Christmas is the time to say "I love you," share the joys of laughter and good cheer, Christmas is the time to say "I love you," and a feeling that will last all through the year!
Bear: This makes no sense!

Christmas Countdown, December 14th & 15th

I've been judging high school musical auditions for the last two days. The last thing I want to do is think of some funny Christmas crap right now, but it's been two days since we've updated.

Periodically during these auditions I'd ask kids who they preferred as Van Halen's lead singer, David Lee Roth or Sammy Hagar. Considering 99% of them looked at me like I was Marty McFly in the 50's diner, it's a good thing I left Gary Cherone off the list.

I now realize how old I am. All but two of these kids had no clue. I'd like to thank the one kid for enthusiastically picking DLR and proclaiming that Ice Cream Man "is freaking awesome." The real life saver, though, was the girl that chose DLR based purely on her physical attraction to him.

There is hope for the future yet.

Christmas Countdown, December 13th

Dear Jesus,

Thanks for being born, so my mom would make some cookies. Also, we get to have vacation from school, so Sasquatch and I can have screwdrivers on Monday. You are the best. Tell Mrs. Claus hi! Oh finally, for Christmas I want the people that read our site to not be mad that I lied about starting the real countdown today. I really feel more like playing Close Combat that entertaining these assholes. I'm sure you know the feeling, what with Evangelicals and all. Dude, we're a lot alike, man. Except I get haircuts, and my dad works at a bank. But anyways! Happy birfday dogg, and tell the reindeers that it is snowing!

PS - You should hang out with your cousin the devil more, he likes better music than you.

Mikey K.

Christmas Countdown, December 12th

I know these past few updates have been lame. This coming week should be good though, since I'm essentially done for the semester and my finger might be able to hold up to the rigors of typing. In celebration of that small Christmas miracle, I give you one last crap Countdown day!

Prelude to a Party

When 80's action figures get together, things go sour pretty fast.

Be like Tony Danza'a tattoo, and keep on truckin'! Two weeks of holly-jolliness start tomorrow.

Mike

Christmas Countdown, December 11th

Last night while working on Knight Rider's house, I almost cut off part of my finger. Five stitches, a tetanus shot and a missing chunk of fingernail later and I'm back in business, albeit very clumsy, one handed business. The first person to make a dirty joke out of that gets a roll of Sweet Tarts.

One thing made the whole event worthwhile, though. They gave me a pamphlet about tetanus and diptheria adorned with illustrations that the most absurd Spanish textbook in the world couldn't rival.

Ok, the first one sort of makes sense. This girl is ecstatic about not having to worry about jagged metal for five years. But Grandma and Grandpa Huxtable drinking coffee? Anyone that can explain that one wins my prescription of hillbilly heroin.

Christmassy? You betcha!

Mike

Christmas Countdown, December 10th

Oy Vey! I only have one day left to finish up three projects. Aside from being a little slaphappy due to no sleep, I'm holding up ok. Knight Rider, on the other hand, is having a hard time coping with the stress. If we don't get his house finished in time, he won't be able to host his annual Christmas Party. I know that's something I don't want to miss, so I'd better get back to work.

Hang in there, Hasselhoff.

Mike

Christmas Countdown, December 9th

Who is getting tired of looking at my living room circa 1984 yet? Good, neither am I.

Ok, here's the deal. I'm busy with final projects. Most of you are busy with boring finals and studying that I really don't want to hear about. A small number of you, much like Huey Lewis, are takin' what you're given 'cause you're workin' for a livin'. Actually, I think maybe it's just Harndino. Regardless, I pledge to keep this countdown going while I finish up my stuff, even though I can't promise it will be any good.

Pressed for time, creatively drained, here is my novelty Christmas list. In reality I won't get anything, but hey, even Tiny Tim sneaks a good one out now and again. Plus, aside from maybe two or three days, I was pretty good.
<>
- Epiphone Elitist 1965 Casino, so I can be George Harrison sort of.

<>
OR

<>- Epiphone Noel Gallagher Supernover, because that first one is pricey.

OR

- Epiphone Hummingbird, because the ladies love the Pete Yorn.

- Mini Cooper r/c car, because darn it, I'm 12 inside.

Something better for tomorrow? Prolly not!

Mike

Christmas Countdown, December 8th

I don't have any presents today, because there's more to Christmas than getting a bunch of awesome crap. That's right friends, the true meaning of Christmas is decorating a scrawny little tree and listening to a kid with a blanket wrapped around his head talking about Baby Jesus. Thank you Peanuts Christmas Special, you will always have a magical place in my heart right behind the Garfield special where the fat cat cheers up Jon's sad grandma.

Anyhow, tonight in lieu of a gift, I have a story about Barnaby and me. It's a bittersweet tale... O Henry has nothing on real life.

If you don't remember Barnaby, I'm really sorry. Your childhood must have been miserable. Barnaby was a local kids' show starring a crazy old man that lived in a park and dressed like he was the pimp of a barbershop quartet. In between showing Casper cartoons he'd talk to an invisible bird named Long John. Needless to say, I was a big fan.

Barnaby!


Long John!

At Christmas time, kids would send stuff to Barnaby. Some sent ornaments, which he'd decorate the tree on the set with. My sister recieved this fine honor. Others sent cards, and he'd read some of them on the air. I was one of the lazier latter. Every day I'd watch and hope that he'd read mine. If you remember waiting for Miss Molly to see you in the Magic Mirror, imagine that agony x 1,000,000,000 to the 10th power.

Then, one glorious day, right as the show was about to end, he did it. Barnaby read my Christmas card. "Dear Barnaby, Merry Christmas, from MICKEY K. from Barberton." Mickey! Look Barnaby, even though I made my K's like this:

that doesn't make Mikey = Mickey.

Of course I forgave Barnaby immediatley. He fulfilled my childhood dream. Well, one of them, because I never got to ride in KITT. I'm sure there's a moral in this holiday tale somewhere, possibly about poor handwriting. That's really not the point though, because it isn't Christmas until I tell this story. It fills me with a sheer holiday joy that no amount of 7&7's during "It's a Wonderful Life" can duplicate.

Maybe Boko has a Superhost story to tell. I don't think any of us can stomach the one about Judy and Big Chuck again.

Mi(c)ky

Christmas Countdown, December 7th

Happy first day of Chanukah, or as I like to call it, Chanukah Eve #2. If all goes according to plan, this online menorah should light a new candle every day at 3:00. We'll see.

"But Mike," you say, "you're not Jewish!" I know that! But Judy and I friggin' look like it, so we're going to celebrate both Chanukah AND Christmas. And since we're half-Canadian, we'll do something for Boxing Day. Finally, not to leave out our good friend Lanky B, we'll also be celebrating Kwanzaa. If only the world could take a lesson from the Jesus Petes this holiday season... the world would be drunk.

Click on Chanukah Harry and follow the link for today's Jesus Petes! countdown gift!

Mozeltoff!

Mike

Jesus Petes! Christmas Extravaganza

Jesus Petes! Christmas Countown, December 6th:

Yes, let's pretend it's still the 6th, I don't want to cheat you out of a day of Christmas fun.

To kick off the festivities, a gift from me to you. Click the link when you get there for a fun holiday tune brought to you by Mike Viola and the Candy Butchers.

FUN FACT! It's actually Mike Viola's voice you hear singing "That Thing You Do!" in the movie.

FUN FACT #2! That song was written by Adam Schlessenger of Fountains of Wayne.

MOST FUN FACT! Boko and I drank with Adam Schlessenger and Jody Porter. Nice guys.

More holiday delights tomorrow (later today)!

Knowing is half the battle.

Question: Are we less safe now than we were 20 years ago?
Answer: Of course!

Is it because of terr-ists? NO! Global warming? You wish! The lack of "My Two Dads" reruns? Maybe.

Actually it's because we don't have awesome cartoon characters telling us not to light our faces on fire, not to jump our Huffys over hot lava, and not to drink more than half a bottle of mouthwash at once. Doiiiiieeee!

Thankfully, the hilarious geniuses of Fensler Films (I'd say they probably tie us) have resurrected the G.I. Joe public service announcements of yore, and edited them for our safety and amusement. Click on the thing for the thing.







And more!


Alright, enjoy. Next week we'll begin the Jesus Petes! Christmas Countdown Extravaganza. I have no idea what it will involve, but I can guarON-TEE that it will be 3 weeks of periodic awesome.

Stop all the downloadin',
Mike

Quiz-Bowl Superfun Poem Time

I've gotta say, I think Straight Talk With Judy is going to be a sure-fire hit. Maybe we could get Dr. Judy from the old Loveline radio show to join too. We'll have to get working on a logo.

The next order of business is to announce the contest winner and reveal their prize. I already did this once, but now it's gone... probably because I called Tom Hanks an asshole. Anyhow, we'd like to thank everyone who participated.

Answers:
1. D Steve Guttenberg (I agree with Judy, but it's Boko's quiz, so he's the boss.)
2. B, Zelda (The story from this entire evening is fantastic, perhaps we'll tell it in full someday.)
3. C Cabbage (The other choices are New Testament True, I'll bear witness to that.)
4. B Burt Reynolds (Ok we all know Brad rules, but the buckle was part of his Burt Halloween getup.)

That makes Harndino this week's big winner. In my eyes though, Judy is right up there- solidarity on the Moranis love, buddy. Jeff gets the limerick, and Judy will recieve a concillation sub-par haiku.

There once was a man named Harndino
dashing like Vinnie Barbarino
but at his crawl (senior), he pulled out his wiener
Thanks a lot, beer, scotch and vino!


Dr. Skanklenberg,
what did Blue Guy say to Spoon?
"You the man now, Doug!"


Finally, for those of you that guessed Tom Hanks... sorry. This question encompasses entire careers, and the last decade has really taken its toll on his rep. "Forrest Gump" has nothing on Bachelor Party. And even though "That Thing You Do" is awesome, it doesn't make up for the fact that he does fancy stuff like "Green Mile" instead of "Money Pit 2: Shatov's Revenge."

And now, more naked hobos peeing on clowns!

Mike